mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?