mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
this is the news I live for
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
We have a winner.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)