Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

ㅤ

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”