Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.