Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.