Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.