Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.