Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.