Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

23. the denim jacket

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Thank you 🥹

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person