Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

I was just discussing this with my cat

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

me and who