Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”