Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
You Might Also Like
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*