mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
never stops being funny
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.