mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
watching gymnastics
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit