Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.