Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

getting old is fun

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.