Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Cinema or bowling

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler