Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1580299080684691456/pu/vid/720x720/t3lDRLxQjesWVgyr.mp4?tag=12

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.