mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
i’m sure it’s fine
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!