Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Attacked by a mop.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.