Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
That stupid look on my face, is my face
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭