Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I can also cook 😂
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”