Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’m about to risk it all
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Hear me out: WrestleVania
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*