Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
You Might Also Like
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…