Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
they see me scrollin
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A dad and his duck
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
