Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Schrödinger’s cookie
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Mistakes were made
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”