Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]