Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
this is me
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.