Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.