Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
You have been warned.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
out-housing market appears to be strong
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*