Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.