Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The Assassin.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”