Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”