Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

they split up moments later

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!