Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me