Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.