“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up