“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Put this video in the Louvre
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.