Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.