Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier