I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Denise please return my vape pen
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”