Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*