Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.