Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.