mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”