Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.