“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Frog purse.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.