“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Just me?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.