Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.