Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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