Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

I want this so bad

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase