Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Perfection.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

i guess his teacher was really pissed

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.