Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
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“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
What an awful time to have common sense.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists