Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico đ€©
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back đ
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit itâs you again
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[first date]
Her: I want a man whoâs not afraid to say whatâs on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: Iâm sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
What Iâve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your âgoodâ photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
âIâm sick to death of people saying weâve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, weâve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.â â Angus Young, AC/DC
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My kids have been watching Bluey and theyâve started saying âoh biscuitsâ instead of âoh shit,â so donât tell me screen time isnât beneficial.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kidsâ stuffed animals into his bag*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I canât get a DM from a guy that doesnât have his wife in his profile picture
Happy birthday to all the women