Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
You Might Also Like
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
This is my emotional support knife.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
gender is a sprctrum
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Math at Halloween.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.