Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.