Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Pigeon open mic night.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A small tragedy.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.