Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

i prefer mine room temperature.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?