Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Good for him.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
She: I like Cats
He: