Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole