mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
