Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.