Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”