mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.