Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)