If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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Me: was your son fed?
Me: in bed on time?
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: I want you…
I need you…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.
I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.