@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

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@AmateurIdiot

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

@daddydoubts

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

@ThugRaccoons

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@ErrenMichaels

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@8WARDBOA

I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@HatfieldAnne

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.