Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*Swirls and sniffs glass
Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity
Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…