Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
😲 WTF? 😆
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Am I having a stroke?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?