Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
You Might Also Like
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
This is so me 😂😂
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
estão todos miauvindo?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!