Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

tinder is all about the long game

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.