Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Somedays I just love AI so much

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*