Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Saturday
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
be safe out there!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.