Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.