Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what