Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
With a text.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”