Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info