Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You Might Also Like
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
fired
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.